today I’m in shock. Shavasti had described holes in my auric field, saying I should not do ayauasca or similar (natural) drugs. He thought the holes were caused by the period in my life where I did a lot of drugs. They were caused by the abuse, and torture, in the drunkeness state at a young age; too young to understand what being drunk means, too young to be exposed to death, too young to be tortured, too young to be left with a few sexually frustrated men, and too young to be abandoned by both my parents; whom implicitely gave them permission to do whatever the fuck they wanted to me.
There is this space in me where the 30 or so “younger me’s” are stored, the ones that deal with the near death experiences, the drowning and the loosing of consciousness (so I don’t have to). They keep, contain the pain, so I don’t have to feel the entirety of it each moment of my life. That space is like a museum, an immense room with dark floors where the main exhibition is a composition of “near death me”s, spread out over a vast area. Each “younger me” is stored in a standing glass chamber, illuminated, sterile, filled with water. The whole body is there, floating in water, in a timeless state of death, naked, with marks of violence; they are suspended as if in a coma. No movement, no breathing. They have varying ages, 2, 3, 5, 6 up to 12 years old. They are dead, or so they think, they are drowned to death, or so they think. Their eyes are open, they stare at the floor; if you walk by you might get one to look up. They were drunk, and abused and beaten and each one holds that experience inside so I can go on living.
About a year ago this space wasn’t so organized, they were floating around and unknowingly hit each other from time to time (unaware that others existed, or that they did survive their experience), and that caused great eruptions of PTSD; crisis moments where I felt so bad I wanted to be admitted to the nearest psychiatric ward. With therapy, and with the understanding of what actually happened to me, and who was involved I managed to organize the space, create order and isolate them so they don’t have so much uncontrolled influence over my life. They still do, but it is more subtle.
Continue reading in shock