i would probably need to cry. or to deal with emotions. emotions about being treated like crap; like shit, like a tool, a sex slave.
sometimes I wonder where to cut the line, between sex abuse and torture and sex slavery. I’m not sure most people would see it that way, but now I understand I was a sex slave.
i was trained to be one, the people whom I was dependent upon all colluded to push me down this funnel; mostly because I was the first boy in the extended family; and also because I handled it. I was resilient… and the real reason is because my father directly created the situation to reap the benefits he could from it. He not only facilitated it, he provoked it.
he used to tell me, that he never did anything to me, and that I hated him for not protecting me. Well. That is a lie. He did harm me directly. He did and he was so ashamed of it that this time, he drowned me three times in a row; i had to forget. I had to pay. It was my fault? Was it? What a fucking coward. When your friends put pressure on you to abuse of your own son; and you don’t stand up to them, instead you cave in under the pressure. at first you fake, you pretend, but then you end up doing it.
do you know what the impact is on your son? well. it’s NOT A POSITIVE ONE you fuckhead. And yes I remember now; even tho you made sure you drowned me three times, creating 3 different dissociated ‘little martin’s in less than an hour or two. Do you have any idea in what state the 3rd little martin was in when I connected to him? As if you cared. Another lie: I LOVE YOU. My parents would tell me that 3-4-5-6 times a day. Fuck.
Sure you couldn’t live with yourself, and somebody had to pay. I paid, that’s all I did under your rule of cowardness. First you are a coward of the worst species, the leader of all assholes forever, and on the other side all you can give is guilt, make others feel guilty cause that is ALL YOU HAVE. A coward can only feel guilty deep down inside. Towards himself, towards others, and he can’t handle it so he distributes it to every single person around him. Impressive.
There you have it. My father. Today he thinks he’s this elevated spiritual master. Do you have any idea how much harm he is doing?
I do. As much as mother Theresa. Or Gandhi. Or more. probably more. You think Gandhi and mother Theresa were good-doers. Good-doers are the worst. You think of mother theresa, and how do you feel? Guilty. For not doing enough for stangers, for not caring enough about others. Or you think she’s an idiot. If you do, that’s a start. Besides; in what fucking world has guilt ever led to happiness?
Think about that.