Two days ago, or three, whatever. I was sitting with my friends Bjorn and Evan, in the Starbucks in the Exchange Tower here in bangkok that they call ‘the office’. They were working away; and I was suffering. Or if you prefer, I was letting the pain surface. There is something special about Thailand, because of it’s Buddhist roots, something less aggressive, more peaceful; which made me think over. I’ve been suffering in private, or letting the pain surface in private for years and years, sometimes I write about it, some of you might know; or do know, or know of the general subject surrounding it, you know ruff nightmarish childhood.
The problem with keeping the pain inside is that it influences my life, and more particularly in certain situations it makes me quite destructive of good things that could happen in my life. I did it again, about a week ago, I was destructive. Quite frankly it feels justified when I do, it is a way for me to claim control on a situation (ego) which is threatening some equilibrium I’ve gotten used to. Well; I fought being destructive with clients recently, or should I say I watched my tendencies go up and down and didn’t act on them; so far I haven’t been destroying any client relationships although the people at YellowPages have been pushing all my buttons pretty much. The communication is practically non-existent, I don’t get much feedback, they can’t seem to commit beyond the original project. They ask me things; I build them, and then delay after delay on their commitment.
Then something amazing can happen, shows up, is recognized instantly, makes me all warm inside; and yet there needs to be adjustments and I had premonitory dreams; vision dreams of her reality which disturbed me. so I destroyed. Ooops I did it again.
So that triggered something. I went inside, realized that I never completely let go to the pain unless I am absolutely alone in a controlled environment. It gets very ugly, with vomiting, diarrhea, moaning, screaming, kicking, i completely loose it, loose myself, forget who I am. Yet that is a form of control, and I shouldn’t control at all. the only way I will be free of all this pain is if it is allowed to flow freely. freeeeeeeeeely. and so, I saw that restraint I put on the flow, and I decided, what the fuck. I am in thailand, peaceful people here. What can go wrong? I’ll pass out in a public washroom? well nobody is going to rob me here. I end up having uncontrollable sexual urges? prostitutes aren’t exactly hard to find. I end up loosing it completely and running around naked and screaming, well, I don’t know what they’d do. But I mean, it can’t be that bad. And so I did it. I let it all out. It was extremely uncomfortable, the headache, the sorrow, the pain, the inconsolable child inside, and I doubt my friend Bjorn enjoyed seeing me that way, but it is a integral part of me. It sits there; in me all the time. Let it flow. To Evan it just looked like I had a bad hangover I bet.
sooo that was that. First time. In BKK; amongst good friends. Thank you my friends.